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Saturday, 29 July 2017

Personal Post; There's more than meets the eye

I'm writing the post tucked up on the sofa, looking back on the past year and where I am today and how, behind the face, the make up and smiles, there is much more going on than meets the eye.

I have always been told that I manage to take on a lot. Around Christmas time this year however, I realised that even for me, the amount I had taken on was unsustainable. Yet, for some bizarre reason I trooped on. I guess I didn't want to admit defeat, I was not willing to face the fact that even I had limits but eventually my limits came and instead of it being like falling into a ball pit, it was like I was bungeeing but without the rope.

In February I finally realised that due to the high levels of stress I had given myself anxiety, where at night I was unable to sleep due to the speed my heart was racing and in the day I would have to use all my strength to stop the panic attacks from coming continuously. The anxiety was also amplified by the feeling that I didn't really have many friends around either and that no one cared. 

Saying it out loud for the first time was bizarre, I HAVE ANXIETY. I didn't like it, I didn't want to have it and I was furious at myself for causing it.

I resented myself because of it and so even though I was not OK i would put on a face when with friends and others only to return to my room at night and have a good long cry about how I couldn't hold it together.

After being a crumbled wreck for 3 months, I finally started to pick myself up and dust myself off. I had been to the doctors for medication but wanted to win the battle on my own. I told myself not to bite off more than I can chew and to a sense that is exactly what I have done. 

However, I have come to realise that my actions of pushing myself past breaking point now means my limits are far less than they ever were before. It's like that feeling when you go swimming for the first time after a year off and you know you used to be a fantastic diver but now when you attempt, you face plant the water and boy does it hurt.

This is currently what I'm experiencing. I used to be able to jungle 1000's of things (that may be a small exaggeration, but still). Currently though, although I know I can still handle that many things, I find myself in a position of high stress and no confidence in the abilities I used to be brimming with confidence about.

To everyone who knows me, I have my shit together, I'm an outgoing person, but now more than ever I have come to realise the true depths of what people can hide. There is far more than meets the eye to every individual. I used to always wonder how everyone could be fighting different battles, I didn't really know how everyone could feel that they needed to but now I do. 

I'm fighting my battle to get back my diving ability, and it's getting there, slowly. I always joke that my masters course has broken me, and it has in a weird way, but that's another LONG story.

This story is about how, now more than ever, I appreciate the battles people have going on inside them. Whether that be getting the confidence to speak in public, finding that reason to get up in the morning or just being able to feel confident in your own skin.

I'm not saying battles last forever, I'm certainly hoping they don't, but they do come and go through life. For all those people who feel like they're battling through alone, far more people are there for you than you know and even if they don't pick up the phone and call you as regularly as you'd like, they do still care .

I hope, if you're feeling stressed, or struggling with a certain situation that this post tells you that it is okay to not be okay, and that in fact, sometimes admitting it out loud is the hardest part of the journey. 

So here's to facing the challenges and battles in us all, and how every single person, if more than meets the eye!

Have you ever suffered a similar situation? Has stress been a big issue for you?



  1. Absolutely loved this post! Very true and truthful, I am always in constant anxiety and stress and everything you said is just so true.


    1. So glad you can relate, I think it's something so many people deal with yet don't realise how many others are like them. It often feels like being stressed and busy is seen as a good thing and we need to change that!