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Thursday 24 November 2016

Do As I Say and Not As I Do; When You Need To Stop


Time for a bit of an emotional post. I have been very absent on my blog recently, not because I wanted to be but more because I haven't had the time to be creating content or even taking pictures, which truly sucks!

Coming back up to Leeds in September saw me being thrown into the busiest schedule of my life. Even today I have done 5 hours reading for my masters which is still not enough when I have 4 pieces of work I need to be working towards as they are due in the next few weeks.

This may sound like I'm complaining but I am not. What I would say though is if I had known how crazy my time would have been I would certainly not have taken as much on.

This year has taught me a lot about myself. I have learnt that somehow I can handle having over 15 contact hours on a busy(ish) week, a 6 hour shift, 3 hours of RAG meetings, 2 nights on duty as a subwarden (where I can get called anytime between 6pm-8am), complete my reading for my seminars and somehow have time to do a group work and have a relationship BUT I have also learnt that I am permanently running on adrenaline,I'm missing the gym and not eating the way I wish I was and how I normally do.


So what I'm saying to do (whilst not listening to my own advice) is learn how to say no, learn that you need time to do nothing, to actually not feel guilty about not doing work, to get out into the fresh air and to also prioritise (bring on Jan 12th for a week of me doing nothing!).

A masters is most definitely the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. I love learning, I love engaging in debate, but, I do wish that I was able to do this at a more leisurely pace which sadly, on my course I cant. Instead I feel like I am on a the conveyor belt where you pick your suitcase up from, there is no end, just when you think its the end you go through the screen and you're back to the start, learning a topic you have no idea about, and trying to wrap your head around the concepts so that you can construct a good enough essay to prove to someone (because its not yourself) that you have some sort of idea about what's going on.

Source
Recently I had a sharp reminder of how precious time can be and it made me realise that life is far too short for you to do anything that isn't enjoyable and for people to not appreciate what you do. I should know because at the moment this is definitely something I'm struggling with. To do my masters I have to work and hold a subwarden postion, both of which I would rather not be doing, but, they play a role in a much bigger picture. So those poop things have enabled me to do something I do enjoy (if not feel a little out of my debth with) which will hopefully enable me to go and have a career which I enjoy as well. However trying to stay positive when you have 2 calls at 3 and 4 am because a bloody fresher has lost their keys though isn't always possible.


For me right now I feel that things need to slow down, I need to slow down (and find the seaside). Everyone has a limit of stress and emotion that they can withstand and so I have also learnt about where that line for me was (I crossed it last Tuesday). If, like me you have sometimes reached a point where you feel like sacking it all in I would tell you not to. Withstanding your breaking point just proves how much of a super human you are, how you can handle anything thrown at you and how although you may just want a day where you can escape the world, you would probably not enjoy it anyway because you know the tasks that you need to get through.

Life has busy periods and quiet ones, happy moments and sad. Some people are always busy as they like to be part of so many things, others prefer to be able to relax. Balance is the key. Right now I know my balance is so far off its a joke. I guess realising it is the first thing, making sure you're aware where your limits are so that you dont trip over the edge too frequently.

If their is a few things I have learnt over the past 9 weeks though, it is that firstly you can be your own worst enemy, being proud of what you can do is important. Secondly, sometimes its OK to want to shut the world out and have no contact with anyone. Taking a minute, an hour or even longer can do you the world of good. Finally it would be that you can have a bad day. If like me you're normally super positive, people seem to find it really odd that you can be grumpy, upset or shock horror even a little stressed, it is as for everyone else in the world it is ok to not care or not be bothered but if you feel this way people think you've lost your mind. You haven't (well not completely), sometimes you're just not great. You may want to be a super human, but sometimes you just have to be an average human instead.

I am still learning a lot about myself which, I thought I had done the majority of learning my limits in my undergrad but hey, we are always growing and changing. I expect that come 21st August after I have handed my final piece of work in for University I will be a different person again.
Right now, I'm trying to get to Christmas so I can reboot, take a break and be ready for another 9 weeks of crazy. Most importantly I am going to remember that their is no point doing things if it isn't rewarding, if it doesn't in the end make you a little happier  whether that be for a bigger picture, the future or right now time is too precious and you should only give it to things that make you feel good.

Love from a little overstretched




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